Moammar Gadhafi Shelling Handicapped Civilians with Live Puppy Bombs and Taking Babies from their Incubators, Throwing them “Woughly” to the Floor, and Raping them Repeatedly (archive)

(archived from June 19, 2011)

(In an effort to find a job at CNN, I am submitting the following sample of my reporting skills which exemplify the current state of the art rigorous journalistic standards typified by that great news organization. In short, “I got my mind right boss” and I’m looking to get paid.)

by Scott Creighton

In a bizarre twist of what can only be described as really bad public relations moves, Moammar Gadhafi has implemented two stunningly horrific new campaigns against the people of Libya.

Activists say that they have seen proof that pro-Gadhafi forces are now involved in a monstrous campaign of targeting residential group homes of mentally challenged Libyans with multiple volleys of live puppy bombs.

The activists, who choose to remain anonymous because they don’t actually exist, claim to have seen videos of large numbers of cute, adorable puppies raining down on the helmeted heads of dozens of handicapped Libyans.

“It was horrible” an activist with nothing to gain from making Gadhafi look bad said, “Oh the humanity. Puppies… cute little puppies… landing like wet bags of cement all around the panicked and confused retards.. uh.. I mean “handicapped civilians”"

A leader of the pro-democracy armed rebels, who chooses to remain anonymous because this story is so ridiculously stupid, has told this reporter that the rebels have found many videos of this horrendous war-crime but they have decided to erase all but one of them for no apparent reason.

This reporter was given an opportunity to view the remaining video, which the reporter cannot verify actually ever existed for reasons of potential criminal liability, and it was so shocking that I will show you the video but I will blur it out so that you can’t actually see anything on the video.

(Legal team disclaimer: this video showed no puppies, no mentally challenged Libyans, and appeared to be of some white chick singing on MTV prior to the blurring with a test pattern hijacked from VH1)

Clearly what we see here is exactly what the activists claimed: hundreds of cute live puppies raining down on poor handicapped Libyan civilians. No one but a crazy, communist, Satan loving conspiracy theorists could question this kind of evidence.

not Nurse Nayirah

In other developing news, an activist, shown here, has claimed that forces loyal to Moammar Gadhafi have been ordered to enter the newborn wards of Libyan hospitals and told to throw the babies “woughly to the floor” and then rape them repeatedly without mercy, without condoms, or without any decent measure of foreplay at all.

The activist who bravely recounted this story wishes to remain anonymous because if her identity were to be made known, her story would make no sense what-so-ever.

Other activists say this is a photo of Libyan troops caught in the horrendous act of throwing babies woughly to the floor and raping them. It has been appropriately blurred for your protection.

Proof of Gadhafi's war crimes.

This reporter has never seen blurred photos and erased videos as condemning as these in his many years of wishing he were actually a reporter.

This latest evidence (legal team disclaimer: “evidence” may not be actually evidence in the technical meaning of that word) proves beyond any shadow of a doubt that Moammar Gadhafi is guilty of war-crimes most vicious in nature and that President Obama is right in ignoring the mandates of the constitution by illegally continuing this “humanitarian intervention” and that Hillary Clinton was absolutely justified in stealing.. uh.. “seizing” 30 billion dollars worth of the Libyan people’s cash.