Joining the 5%

 by Scott Creighton

 I don't know about all that addiction science. I know its real. My POS brother used to tell me to just tough up and quit making excuses. Then he went to school and became a nurse then a doctor and guess what? He learned its not 'just say no' but actually its genetic.

I never said I quit drinking. Or at least, that I never plan to drink again.

I said I am currently taking a break from it in order to save money and for the most part I have been able to stick with that plan though I have to admit, with holiday and anniversary of Mom's death, I needed the comfort of that old friend a time or two this past month.

In terms of smoking, that did not cause my blood clotting disorder. Smoking hardens arteries. Doesn't cause DVTs. My COPD started when I was in middle school. Smoking makes it worse, yes, but not the cause.

No one that I know of had cancer on Dad's side of the family.

No one on Mom's side, including her brothers, either.

She smoked since her twenties and died in her sleep at 80.

Granny smoked since teens and died from an aneurysm at 88. Grandfather drank himself to death at 85. Took a while.

Trying to kill myself? Better ways.

Self destructive personality? Without a doubt.

Self loathing? Wouldn't I need to be going to Vegas for that?

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To answer your question, I don't know. I have curbed my drinking to almost quitting because I found something I needed more. I wish someone had explained that to me when I was 20. Maybe they tried. But I cant see myself as having given it up forever so I guess I really haven't yet. Dry drunk?

Smoking gives me pleasure. I enjoy it. Like coffee. And its cheaper, the way I drink, so I keep doing it. One vice per year I guess is the best I can hope for.

I know when i had nearly 5 months without drinking (two little slips with Aunt BB, it's all her fault) I would tell myself every day I was going to head back over to the bar that afternoon and see all my old friends again. Would entertain that joy for most of the morning and by noon, talk myself out of it looking forward to doing it... tomorrow.

Anticipation.

Like that first kiss.

It's better savored.

I drink the way I do because it's how I am made and what I know and it's hard to remake one's self. That's why so many die from it and why so many lives are crushed by it. That's why the successes are so rare and so celebrated.

Did you know they used to publish AA's success rate every year? They stopped about 20 years ago because sobriety (at least 60 days clean and sober) rates dropped below 5% and that with people so determined to get clean they go to those stupid fucking meeting every day sometimes more than once a day.

Talking to my probation officer years ago (I was always hitting on her by the way. she was hot in her vest) she told me, I had 2 years, that less than 5% make it thru felony probation without being send down (back to jail)

I made it.

And I will be part of the other 5% as well.

You see, at the ripe old age of 56 I am determined to be a 5%er

It's in the DNA. Its who we are. Blame ourselves, hate ourselves, entertain whatever makes you happy, whatever takes you back to that familiar place, but its who we are.

My grandmother's father was a mason in Lynchburg at a time when they were building downtown. Made tons of money. Would drink it all away and come home after binges and beat her mother because he hated how he lived because of the drinking.

He chased granny around a field next to their home in Red House Va. one night in his new car. Weren't many cars in the town. They lived in a shack.

He wrecked. They went out there and pulled him out and dragged him home and put him to bed cursing them the whole way.

She was about 12 and soon went to work at the shoe factory to help pay the bills.

She told me that story only once when I came back from college at a little table in a K-mart.

I should have listened better. But it wouldn't matter. It was my legacy. Fate? No. Legacies can be refused.

Perhaps you weren't asking for all this but then again, neither did I.

I haven't quit smoking because I dont want to . I am currently in the process of quitting drinking because I absolutely have to... though I still dont want to.

A better answer than that I can't give you... other than this.

From my experience, the genetics predispose me to a certain behavioral pattern... but they don't predetermine it. A person born to a family of hereditary disease has two choices... ignore it and wait or take action and fight.

Thou mayest we were told.

I chose the 5% today cus that's all I got.

I'll go see my friends... tomorrow.